11 years

I saw a picture of me
I had to laugh
23 years old
6 months of hard labour
another 6 months into wandering with my life on my back
Too funny

In my mind my self image hasn't change
In my mind, I've never been in great shape
But holy hell, I actually was.
And what a smile
Not just a grin
An actual smile

Got me to thinking really
I believe without a doubt
That you can be too smart for your own good
Smart enough that you very rarely have to give your best
To achieve what a lot of others would consider success
But you did it by taking the easy route

Hustling, bullshit
So fast on your feet that ideas you've never really given a second thought about
Come together out of thin air the instant you need them
In such a way that seems you are intensely thinking at all times
Thank god for that
But god damn it as well.

That picture says a lot
I am there
For real there
Ready to give my all to accomplish my dreams
A decade of half-assing later
He's still there, I just almost forgot him.

I wrote something back then
Ironically enough it's my poetic crutch of good intentions
"the road to misery and regret is letting your mind lead you too far from your heart"
I knew it then and I meant it
But holy fuck if without muttering it to myself
Did I ignore the hell out of it's true measure

It's funny too funny.  In a mocking sense sure
But also hilarious that I've outsmarted myself or outdumbed myself
One way or the other, not sure which would be correct.
I've never cared about money
Still don't really
But that's the only thing I can say I've become fairly successful with...

I'm not this dark
Not really
But it's only when I write that I allow myself to honestly speak
Overly magnify the dissatisfaction that whispers inside of me
That I ignore it and just let it out in gasps on paper
Is probably unhealthy and part of the problem.

Can I change?
Yes, the only thing stopping me is me.
Will I change?
Not likely, unless I'm willing to accept actual work.
For the first time in 11 years
Outside a few spurts

I don't really need to write these though
What I am, is no fault of anyones but my own
My mind is good at convincing me not to bother
Apathy is an easy pill to swallow
But the heart still yet beats and it's full of good ideas.
More importantly, I'm tired of writing bleak things on a wall to myself